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Disownment by parents / How to deal with them

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Question 280: I know we are to be kind and compassionate to our parents and to see after them in their old age, I moved my parents in with me in 2009, my dad passed in 2010, and my mom remains with me, she has now gotten to a point where she needs more than I can provide is it permissible for me to find a quality nursing home to place her in? What does Islam say about Disownment by parents?

Answer 280: Disownment by parents means to do an act that would make them angry, cause them distress and injure their feelings. Certainly, hurting one of them also causes the child to be disowned.[1] Although parents enjoy special respect in all religions and cultures, Islam has enumerated, over and above to the rights considered by other religions, a wide range of moral rights for the parents. The rights considered by Islam for the parents are so extensive that even hurting them is regarded as a kind of violating their rights. In addition to the moral rights, Islam has considered a number of jurisprudential rights for the parents which a child should uphold and fulfill. For example, if a child’s parents are needy and helpless, it is obligatory on him to take care of them and pay for their maintenance (food, clothing and medical expenses).

There are different interpretations relating to the parents’ rights on the child. For example, God, the Exalted, says:
“And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve (any) but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) “Ugh” [fie] nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.”[2]

As it is clear from the above verse, in addition to belief in God and not ascribing any partners to Him, God, the Exalted, has commanded us to be kind to our parents and not to cause them distress by even using a word of contempt while talking to them. Although the narrations have counted disownment by the parents as one of the great sins[3], they have not fixed any limits for it in the same way as the Quranic verses. The narrations simply state that causing distress and discomfort to the parents is forbidden.[4]

Hence, therefore if an action causes distress to the parents, it can be considered as a criterion for violating parents’ rights. [5]If a child disagrees with his parents on some matters which cause them distress, he has provided the means for his disownment by his parents. However, sometimes disagreeing with parents or disobeying them is not severe to the extent that may cause them distress, in this case it is better for him to act in accordance with their opinion.

Yes, there are various cases which are not considered to be a part the child’s obligation to obey his/her parents. For example, if a man’s parents order him to do an act which is against the divine command or religious and Islamic law, it is not necessary for him to obey them. This disobedience does not cause the child to be disowned.

Therefore, we can conclude that the criterion with respect to the parents’ rights is to fulfill their demands to the extent that not doing them does not morally cause them distress and discomfort and that their orders should not involve doing a religiously forbidden act or avoiding an obligatory one. Certainly, there are certain acts which are not obligatory but it is better, not wajib, to get the parents’ consent in them. In order for a person to know the Islamic viewpoint about each case, one should refer to his own Marja’ (the religious authority whom he follows) and act according to his fatwa (verdict).

As a result, if it is possible for you to see after her at your house you are supposed to satisfy her as much as you can. Otherwise, if it is better for her to be at the nursing home and you are sure such act wouldn’t make her angry, cause her distress and injure her feelings there would be no problem to do so.

[1] . Muhaddith Qommi, Shaykh Abbas, Nuzhat al-Nawzer fi Tarjomat Ma’den al-Jawaher, pg. 128, Islamic Publications, Tehran, 1st edition.

[2] . Al-Isra, 23.

[3] . Ubaid bin Zurarah says: ‘I asked Imam Sadiq, peace be upon him, about the great sins. Imam Sadiq (a.s.) replied: “In the book of [Imam] ‘Ali, they are seven: disbelieving in Allah; killing a person; causing distress to one’s parents; dabbling in usury; unlawfully confiscating the property of the orphan; running away from the battle-field in jihad; at-ta’arrub ba’d al-hijra.” Then he asked, “So these are the most major of sins?” See: Amili, Muhammad bin Hasan, Wasail al-Shi’ah (translation of Chap. Jihad against the Carnal Soul), translation by Sehat, pg. 198, Nas Publications, Tehran, 1364 (1985).

[4] . Imam Sadiq, peace be upon him, said: “If there was anything less than “fie” to cause distress and discomfort to parents, he would prohibit it and “fie” is the lowest level of hurting parents. One of the instances of causing distress is to gaze at the parents. See: Muhammad bin Ya’qub, Usul-e Kafi (translated by Mustafavi), vol.4, pg. 50, Islamic Book Store, Tehran, 1st edition.

[5] . Some Istiftas (religious enquiries) also refer to the same point. Here are some questions which have been asked from the religious authorities: “What does ‘disownment by parents’ mean? How does disownment take place? What are the effects of disownment?” Answer: “Any act that causes distress and discomfort to the parents amounts to disownment by parents except for the cases where there is an obligatory duty to be done or a haram act to be avoided. If the parents order the child not to do an obligatory act or to do a haram act, it is not necessary for the child to obey them even if it causes distress to them.” See: New Questions and Answers (Ayatollah Makarem Shirazi), vol.3, pg. 559. Another example: If a mother orders her son to divorce his wife, otherwise he would become a disowned child and her milk would be haram to him, what is the son supposed to do?” Answer: “In the Name of God: It is not obligatory on him to obey his mother in such matters.” See: Serat al-Nijat (Ayatollah Tabrizi), vol.6, pg. 257.

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Praying for non-Muslim Parents

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Question 516: Can I as a Shia Muslim pray for my dead parent who is a non-Muslim? They were Ahl al-Kitab. If so, can you provide sources and scholarly opinions? Thank you.

Answer 516: We have already sent a similar question to the office of grand maraja’, whether it is permissible to solace to non-Muslims who have passed away and send salawat, recite surah al-Fatiha and pray for them?

Our maraja’ have different opinions about it. Some say, it is permissible if they have not fought Muslims on the account of Religion and have not driven us out of our Homeland. Others say, it is permissible to solace, though asking Allah, the Almighty for His forgiveness and pray for them is not permissible.

Ayatollah Khameneni: There is no problem in it per se if they have not fought Muslims on the account of Religion.

Ayatollah Sistani: It is impermissible to ask Allah, the Almighty for their forgiveness and pray for them.

Ayatollah Safi Golpayegani: Sending Salawat and praying to Allah (SWT) to forgive them are not permissible[1].

According to the verses of the Holy Quran, if those non-Muslim who have not fought Muslims on the account of Religion and have not driven us out of our Homeland, Allah (SWT), the Almighty does not forbid us from doing good and regarding justice to them. Therefore, we can visit their graves and ask Allah, the Almighty for His forgiveness and pray for them. However, Allah (SWT) forbids us only from having Friendship with those who fought us on the account of Religion and Drove us out of our homeland; and helped one another in driving us out; We are forbidden to have friendly Relation with them; and whoever among us does so, then he is regarded as One of the disbelievers. Because, in the Holy Quran Allah (SWT) says: “The Prophet and the faithful may not plead for the forgiveness of the polytheists, even if they should be [their] relatives, after it has become clear to them that they will be the inmates of hell”.[2]

It should be noted that the loss of a family member is a difficult challenge to overcome. However, one can overcome this situation by doing the following points:

A: Having patience: Patience is mans’ greatest friend in life.[3] Patience in the face of calamities is one type of patience.[4] The ahadith speak of a great reward for patience in such situations. To pay attention to its results and rewards which are mentioned in the Quran and ahadith is one of the ways to overcome a loss. We will mention some of these Quranic verses and ahadith below:

1- In the Quran, God says: “Peace be to you, for your patience.” How excellent is the reward of the [ultimate] abode!”[5] “We will surely test you with a measure of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth, lives, and fruits; and give good news to the patient. Those who, when an affliction visits them, say,” Indeed we belong to Allah, and to Him do we indeed return. It is they who receive the blessings of their Lord and [His] mercy, and it is they who are the [rightly] guided”[6]

2- Imam Ali says “Having patience when calamities strike stems from one’s wisdom.”[7]

“Amongst the treasures of belief is having patience when calamities befall one.”[8] “Having patience at the time of catastrophes elevates one to lofty spiritual levels.”[9]

B: We must understand that death will take place for all of us: “Every soul shall taste death. Then you shall be brought back to us.”[10] Because all creatures are manifestations of Go Godl’s existence and attributes and they have come from him, they will all go back to him “Indeed we belong to Allah, and to Him do we indeed return.”[11]

One of the results of having belief in God is that when catastrophes strike, a believer reminds himself of the above mentioned verse. The better and deeper one understands the truth mentioned in the verse, the easier he will be able to overcome such issues.

C: The ahadith have mentioned certain acts to be carried out for the dead. Some of them are wajib and some are mustahab. We will mention some examples of these ahadith below:

First: Paying charity; A man from the tribe of Bani Saedah came to the Prophet after his mother passed away and said: “My mother passed away during my absence. If I pay charity on behalf of her, will her soul be rewarded?” The Prophet replied: “Yes.”[12]

Second: Reciting Quran; The Prophet stated: “Whoever passes by a graveyard and recites surah Ikhlas eleven times and sends the reward for the dead, he will be rewarded by the number of people that are buried there.”[13]

Third: Doing good deeds; Imam Sadiq said: “The reward of charity, supplicating and good deeds will reach the dead as well as the one who carried them out.”[14] “Whenever a Muslim does good deeds on behalf of the dead, God will multiply his reward and also give the dead the reward of the good deed.”[15]

Fourth: Performing Wahshat prayer; It is mustahab to pray two raka’ats on the first night of burial.[16] The details of this prayer are mentioned in the law books of the maraji’.[17] Therefore, it is musthab to perform this prayer only on the first night and not all nights. For the other nights, one may perform other acts for his mother to send her the reward and make her soul calm and happy in the other world.

For further information in this regards, please refer to the following answers:

Index: Visiting non-Muslim graves and Praying for them, answer 103.

(https://www.facebook.com/groups/510247479126564/permalink/546002345551077/)

[1] . Adopted from answer 35827.

[2] Surah Mumtahina, verses 8 & 9;  Surah Tawbah, verse 113; Adopted from Index: Visiting non-Muslim graves and Praying for them.

[3] For further information, refer to the topic “Increasing Patience”, Question 8418 (site: 9091).

[4] Daylami, Shaykh Hasan, Irshad al-Qulub ila al-Sawab, vol. 1, p. 126, Sharif Radhiyy Press, Qum, first edition, 1412 AH.

[5] Ra’d:24.

[6] Baqarah:155-157.

[7] Tamimi Amidi, Abd al-Wahid ibn Muhammad, Ghurar al-Hikam wa Durar al-Kalim, p. 283, hadith 6299, Islamic Propagation Office Press, Qum, 1366 (solar).

[8] Ibid, p. 282, hadith 6298.

[9] Ibid, p. 262, hadith 6269.

[10] Ankabut:57 “كُلُّ نَفْسٍ ذائِقَةُ الْمَوْتِ ثُمَّ إِلَيْنا تُرْجَعُون”.

[11] Baqarah:156 “إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَ إِنَّا إِلَيْهِ راجِعُونَ”.

[12] MullaHavish Aal Ghazi, Abd al-Qadir, Bayan al-Ma’ani, vol. 1, p. 203, Taraqi Press, Damascus, first edition, 1382 AH; Qurtubi, Muhammad ibn Ahmad, Al-Jami’ li Ahkam al-Quran, Nasir Khosro Press, Tehran, first edition, 1364 (solar).

[13] Majlisi, Muhammad Baqir, Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 10, p. 368, al-Wafa Institute, Beirut, 1404 AH.

[14] Amili, Shaykh Hurr, Wasa’il al-Shia, vol. 8, p. 279, Aal al-Bayt Institute, Qum, 1409 AH.

[15] Hilli, Ibn Fahd, Uddat al-Da’i, p. 146, Daar al-Kutub al-Islamiyy, Qum, 1407 AH.

[16] Amili (Kaf’ami), Ibrahim ibn Ali, Al-Misbah, p. 411, Daar al-Radhiyy Press, Qum, second edition, 1405 AH, Wasa’il al-Shia, vol. 8, p. 168.

[17] Musawi (Imam Khumayni), Sayyid Ruhullah, Tawdhih al-Masa’il, vol. 1, p. 348, researched/edited by: Sayyid Muhammad Husayn Bani Hashimi Khumayni, Islamic Publications Office, Qum, eighth edition, 1424 AH.